Venting out

I'm going crazy! I mean, I'm going completely mental in my head! I'm sick! There's something wrong with me! There's just this feeling that I have and it can't be sane. I have been talking to myself and just doing plain weird things...

A year and a bit ago I went on a trip to Ottawa... It was the most amazing experience of my life! I met new people and learned so many great things. While I was there I made so many great friends and that's where it all started... SO I had liked this guy for 3 years and all but before I left for Ottawa I decided to start off fresh and leap back into the pool of single and looking! Although, I found out the hard way that you can't move on too fast and if you rush things you will get hurt even more... So, there was this guy that I met while I was there and he was the most sweet and genuine guy and him and I hung out that whole week, but on the last day when I thought that maybe things could become something... he started making out with another girl right in front of me. Fuck my life yet once again. But there was this other guy that I had been hanging out with for a lot of the time as well and him and I were pretty close but I didn't ever think of him as more than a friend even though he was just so great. On the last night of the trip we had a huge dance and while that other guy was in the corner mackin' on that chick this other amazing guy came up to me and asked me to dance and we shared such a great moment and we were just so alike. The next day when it came to time to saying goodbye to everyone and getting on all of our separate planes to different locations, that guy and I gave each other the biggest hugs and cried goodbye and I know I sulked the whole trip home because I just missed him so freaking much. He was a great friend. Then two days later, he texted me saying "there's something I have to tell you..." I replied "what is that?" and he said "I have a major crush on you and I hope that this doesn't make things awkward..." I was so surprised but when he said that it felt like there was a gaping hole in my heart, something was missing... he was. After that we talked very often and I just liked him so much, but it would just be too difficult to start anything because he lived pretty far away... so finally this year I went and visited him and I was just so excited to see him, I didn't sleep for days because I was just so stoked! :) and when I finally saw him everything just made so much sense and I was finally legit happy. I can't even explain how it felt to be held in his arms again... But anyways, I had been trying so hard to find someone here in Kelowna and it's just so hard to commit myself to someone because I always find myself comparing every guy to this one guy that I'm basically in love with. I think that I'm going crazy because he's so far away and I'm just here by myself and so depressed because I'm all alone and I want to be with him so bad. There's a part of me that wants to tell him how I feel about him but then again I know that it can't amount to anything right now anyways... How can you have such a distant relationship, but I think that I need him to find my way back to the way I'm supposed to be because I've changed so much because I've basically lost myself while trying to find someone else like him and I am so confused... ughhh. No one even cares that is reading this so I guess that I'm just writing this for myself so that I can vent out my feelings and how lame I am. If you ever read this, and I'm sure you know who you are... I will come visit you soon. I think that I may love you.

Please don't think I'm weird,

Julie