I'm really bad at this whole posting thing... I thought that it would be easy to post something everyday... I guess not!

I've managed to keep a secret from someone extremely close to me for about 2 years of my life. It's a pretty big secret and it's pretty bad. I often worry about if they were to ever find out. I think that the main reason why I don't tell them is because I am afraid that they will see me in a different way if I do tell them. I know that it's never good to keep stuff inside, it only makes things worse, but is there ever a time where it is exceptional to just not say a word because I'm afraid that it will ruin our friendship. Everyone else that I know already knows about this secret part of my life... so maybe my friend knows just they don't know how to react or don't want to believe it. Either way, it's not like I'm going to tell them about it. It's just not necessary.

I miss being a child, everything was so carefree.

This is very strange... I think I work too much, because I keep on having dreams about my co-workers...

About a week and a half ago I had a dream that one of my co-workers got me pregnant... It was very strange. I was pregnant for maybe a week and then all of a sudden I had a kid and it was just a little baby. My mom was furious that this guy got me pregnant and hated me seeing him. I guess that it made sense that she didn't want me to see him because he had a new girlfriend. So my mom and I were up the hill from my house and we were driving down but then all of a sudden our car disappeared and we were in some random guys backyard and my co-worker kept on texting me because he wanted to see the baby so I was yelling at my mom that we had to get there so then we got blankets and started to slide down the hill in the bike lane. Finally when we got to the bottom of the hill I saw him turning towards my house and so I had to bolt it to beat him there because I had told him I would only be about 10 minutes. Then my mom somehow already got home and I was running there by myself. Finally, when I got there he was with my mom and holding the baby, my mom was freaking out because he had brought his new girlfriend. As soon as I saw him he came over to me and kissed me right in front of his girlfriend and told me that he loved me. It was really weird, then we all got in my moms car and my mom started driving to the pool and my co-worker kept on telling me how things could be different and that he loved me... Weird. I will never tell him about this.

Two days ago, I had a dream that another one of my co-workers came over to my house and we were playing board games but then he had to sleepover because it was too late. We ended up sharing a bed and he kept on hugging me. I always feel awkward whenever I see him at work now... haha.

Yesterday night, I had another dream that I was pregnant and I think it was the same guy again. Then I randomly gave birth and it only took like a minute and the baby was the size of my cell phone. It seemed like a normal size... Then I went for a walk with my baby girl and kept petting her. Then I ran into people I knew and they all wanted to hold her and then one of them told me that my baby was abnormally small and I realized something was wrong... Then, the guy and I were trying to think of a name for the baby and I think that I really like Daniella or something like that. It was so messed up... I woke up so confused.

Dream Interpretations:

Pregnant
To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

Birth
To dream of giving birth or see someone else giving birth, suggests that you are giving birth to a new idea or project. It also represents new beginnings or some upcoming event. A more direct interpretation of this dream, may represent your desires/ anxieties of giving birth or the anticipation for such an event to occur.

To dream that you are giving birth to a non-human creature, signifies you overwhelming (an unfounded) fear in the health of your baby. You are overly concerned that your baby may have birth defects. This type of dream is common in expectant mothers in their second trimester. If you are not expecting, then it refers to your fear in the outcome of some decision or project. You are trying to overcome difficulties in your life and achieve inner development. In particular, if you dream that you are giving birth to a monster, then it implies that your inner creative energy has yet to differentiate itself and grow into expression. You may hold some hesitation in releasing this "monster" for fear that others will judge your or that they will not accept your ideals.

Coworker
To see your coworkers in your dream, highlights aspects of your waking relationship with them, including difficulties/support. It signifies your ambition, struggles and competitive nature. If the coworkers in your dream are not your actual coworkers, then they may pertain to some psychological business that you need to work on. Work-related dreams can also often be linked to stress at work.

Slide

To dream that you are sliding, represents a loss of control

Fighting
To dream that you are in a fight, indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To see others fighting in your dream, suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life.

Venting out

I'm going crazy! I mean, I'm going completely mental in my head! I'm sick! There's something wrong with me! There's just this feeling that I have and it can't be sane. I have been talking to myself and just doing plain weird things...

A year and a bit ago I went on a trip to Ottawa... It was the most amazing experience of my life! I met new people and learned so many great things. While I was there I made so many great friends and that's where it all started... SO I had liked this guy for 3 years and all but before I left for Ottawa I decided to start off fresh and leap back into the pool of single and looking! Although, I found out the hard way that you can't move on too fast and if you rush things you will get hurt even more... So, there was this guy that I met while I was there and he was the most sweet and genuine guy and him and I hung out that whole week, but on the last day when I thought that maybe things could become something... he started making out with another girl right in front of me. Fuck my life yet once again. But there was this other guy that I had been hanging out with for a lot of the time as well and him and I were pretty close but I didn't ever think of him as more than a friend even though he was just so great. On the last night of the trip we had a huge dance and while that other guy was in the corner mackin' on that chick this other amazing guy came up to me and asked me to dance and we shared such a great moment and we were just so alike. The next day when it came to time to saying goodbye to everyone and getting on all of our separate planes to different locations, that guy and I gave each other the biggest hugs and cried goodbye and I know I sulked the whole trip home because I just missed him so freaking much. He was a great friend. Then two days later, he texted me saying "there's something I have to tell you..." I replied "what is that?" and he said "I have a major crush on you and I hope that this doesn't make things awkward..." I was so surprised but when he said that it felt like there was a gaping hole in my heart, something was missing... he was. After that we talked very often and I just liked him so much, but it would just be too difficult to start anything because he lived pretty far away... so finally this year I went and visited him and I was just so excited to see him, I didn't sleep for days because I was just so stoked! :) and when I finally saw him everything just made so much sense and I was finally legit happy. I can't even explain how it felt to be held in his arms again... But anyways, I had been trying so hard to find someone here in Kelowna and it's just so hard to commit myself to someone because I always find myself comparing every guy to this one guy that I'm basically in love with. I think that I'm going crazy because he's so far away and I'm just here by myself and so depressed because I'm all alone and I want to be with him so bad. There's a part of me that wants to tell him how I feel about him but then again I know that it can't amount to anything right now anyways... How can you have such a distant relationship, but I think that I need him to find my way back to the way I'm supposed to be because I've changed so much because I've basically lost myself while trying to find someone else like him and I am so confused... ughhh. No one even cares that is reading this so I guess that I'm just writing this for myself so that I can vent out my feelings and how lame I am. If you ever read this, and I'm sure you know who you are... I will come visit you soon. I think that I may love you.

Please don't think I'm weird,

Julie

It bites

Last night, I realized something… I had been seeing this guy for about 7 months but we never talked about our relationship status, I always just took it for granted and thought that he obviously felt the same way that I did. From saying that, maybe it was my fault, I should have said something to him or asked… I had so much emotion though, I didn’t know how to say something. I was too scared to say something because what if I embarrassed myself because he didn’t feel the same or what if he already thought that we were “together”. But then there was that slight chance that he was wondering the same thing as I was, “are we an item or not?” Actions speak more than words though, and his actions were whoppers, (ex. imagine seeing China on fire). We were together every day, yet everyday he would bring up my friend. He would always ask me about her or say that we should invite her over. Then one night he hung out with her and told her that he didn’t have any feelings for me (while he held her hand), fuck my mother fucking shit hole of a life. I wasted 7 months of my life to find out that this guy who I had such strong feelings for didn’t even care! I was furious! I wanted to kill someone! I wanted to dig a deep, deep, deep hole, fill it with poison, crawl into it, have someone burry me and lay to die. Yes, needless to say, I was quite depressed. But this was nearly half a year ago that I felt this way and it didn’t last incredibly long, I eventually realized how gay he truly is and how much better I can do. His face still repulses me though because he used me. He used me to get to my friend who wasn’t even interested; at least I don’t think that she was… Either way, these things just get to you. If he ever gets to read this there is one message for him. “Thank you. Thank you for proving that you’re a faggot without my help. Thank you for wasting my time. Thank you for using me. Thank you for making me feel like a worthless piece of shit. And thank you for proving to me that Hitler still exists because you gassed all of the love out of my heart. Still though, thank you for helping me to realize that there are many greater males out there in the world and that you were not the one for me. Thank you and fuck you. Sincerely, Julie.”

Mah Main Game

At night I feel as if my spirit comes alive. It’s like as soon as the dark hits I realize exactly what I want and I can in-vision it, like dreaming. I think that the problem with the daytime is that our minds are too absorbed in other things and we have so much going on in our lives that we just don’t think about what we really want, truly. Every night right before I go to sleep, I lay in my bed just thinking about my life and either how shitty it is or how those shitty things sometimes end up leading to great things. I think about what I want, what a perfect moment would feel like, if I’ll ever truly love someone and what that emotion is like, I think about everything. My blog is basically about all of my thoughts and the things that I think of before bed, I'll even attempt to re-tell some of my dreams.